Breakfast Date: Apple Pie Oatmeal

Sometimes you wake up from a mediocre sleep of some not-long-enough length and you look outside to find the absence of all joy in the world and, well, my friend, it's just not lookin' like it's gonna be your day.

And it's cold en plus. Or wet and cold. Or it's not cold, but there is rioting and people are lightin' sheeyit on FIYAH mthfckz and the riot police are hut-two-ing it down your innocent little street.

(This is what happens when anti-nazi demonstrations get out of hand. [...In this case, over five months ago.]) The point is that you still have to get out there no matter what and cultural expectations are preventing you from leaving the house in your sweatpants while still swaddled in your down comforter. Allow me to make a suggestion.

(Adapted from this recipe.)

What you need:

• 1 medium sized apple, chopped into small pieces
• dried cranberries
• 1/3+ cup rolled oats
• 1 tsp ground cinnamon
• 1/2 tsp ground ginger
• sprinkle of nutmeg
• 3/4 cups milk
• splash of maple syrup
• 1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce
• 1/4 tsp pure vanilla extract
• 1 tsp lemon juice
• 2 tbsp chopped toasted walnuts, a sprinkling of graham cracker crumbs...

Serves: 1 very hungry person or 2 somewhat hungry people.
Musik: Whatever it takes to help ease you into today's version of your life.

Heat the apple chops and cranberries/dried fruit of choice in a saucepan over medium heat for a few minutes until things start getting soft and steamy. At this point add the oats, spices, milk, maple, and applesauce. Mix that sucka weeeell. After a few minutes, your breakfast concoction should reach your desired consistency, at which point you should remove it from heat and add the vanilla, lemon, and walnuts/crusty bits.

Now, now. Out you go.

 



 

*all photos from a time before trees lost all dignity

Breakfast Date: Carrot Cake Oatmeal

 

I love the idea of oatmeal. I love the concept of a warm, comforting, slightly chunky goo that is full of nutrients and your favorite flavor of the day that slides down your esophagus and coats your stomach with its clingy embrace before the acids there detach its sticky, clinging fingers. I mean really-- what's not to love? I'll tell you: the goo that remains once the heat has left it, the texture, often the taste. My mother has always been a big proponent of the oatmeal and after years of trying and not being able to make it past the third bite, I'm finally starting to understand the reason for her enthusiasm. See, I am such a big fan of The Oatmeal Concept that I have been putting in extra effort in the past year to train my mouth to accept it. Meine Damen und Herren, it is possible. There are so many ways oatmeal can be delicious! You can cook the oats in conjunction with chunks of banana, walnuts, cinnamon, nutmeg, and cranberries with a fruity glob of applesauce on top. You can prepare it with fresh apples and nuts and spices and trick your mouth into thinking it's pie. You can whip some up in no time on a GDR-era camp stove before sunrise in Spain with nothing but fresh milk and cheap oats and sweet German honey. Or you can get really fancy and pretend it's carrot cake. It's so interesting how tastebuds mature.

I did try some instant oatmeal the other day, however, and BLECHhkgkgkgkg. That stuff is terrible! Still a no-go on potatoes, too, mother. No need to ask. Oh, Mann-- potato oatmeal? Gag me with a spoon.

Adapted from this recipe.

What you need (for one serving):

• 1/4 cup water
• 1/2 cup of thinly grated carrot
• a few date chunks
• 1 tsp brown sugar
• 1/2 cup rolled oats
• 1/2 cup milk
• pinch of salt
• 1/4 tsp vanilla
• a healthy shake of cinnamon
• smaller shakes of nutmeg & ginger
• pinch of allspice
  ~~~
• 1 tbsp plain yogurt
• 1 tbsp cream cheese
• 1 tsp maple syrup
  ~~~
• 1 tbsp chopped, toasted pecans or walnuts 
• 2 tsp shredded unsweetened coconut
• a few more date chunks
• a healthy zesting of orange

Musik: Something ambitious, adventuresome, like the soundtrack to Amélie or, better yet, "Chariots of Fire".

Simmer the water, grated carrot, the few date chunks, and sugar over medium heat until most of the water has been absorbed and your carrots have surrendered their crunch. Add the milk, rolled oats, and spices. Stir to your favorite oatmeal tenderness/consistency, then plop in vanilla drops. Meanwhile with your other two hands, stir together the yogurt, cream cheese, and syrup in a separate vessel until smoothish. Transfer cake/oatmeal to your favorite breakfast bowl, top with frosting and nuts, the few more date chunks, coconut, and zest. (The zest is really what makes this dish in my opinion. Without it, all you have is mush.) Commence with artsy food photography and consume before it gets cold. That's right-- you totally rocked that.